The Dealing Process
during the pandemic
***This post was originally published in 05/2022 as part of my previous blog. I'm sharing it here as I restart my journey to give you insight into where it all began. I’ll be sharing a new post from my archives every other week as I bring this blog back to life.***
dealing with more than I signed up for
As if dealing with the pandemic and everything that came with it wasn’t enough, I had added burdens that I sure as hell didn’t ask for. I have my issues, so why would I want to deal with other people’s issues, too? I’ve learned to set boundaries—to stay on my side of the road and mind my own business—which, honestly, I’ve come to enjoy. If you need some guidance on doing that for yourself, you’re welcome to hit me up.
breaking the news to my other kids
When he first got incarcerated, I wasn’t sure how to talk to my other two kids about it. I kept quiet for a couple of weeks because they didn’t need all the details. They wouldn’t understand, and even if they did, they didn’t need to carry that weight. I needed to process it myself first. I had to go through the grieving process—or at least parts of it.
I was never in denial; that’s for sure. How could I be? I almost knew this was in the cards for him. He didn’t seem to learn his lesson the last time, and this time, he thought he was invincible. It wasn’t so much shock as it was me thinking, WTF, didn’t I tell you this was going to happen? Of course, my words and advice back then meant nothing. It was like I was speaking a foreign language—or worse, telling him to do the complete opposite.
the anger was real
Let’s talk about anger. Did I have it? Unfortunately, yes. At the time, I was in reaction mode. I wasn’t stopping to think—I was just acting. I was angry at him for causing stress and pain to others. His thinking was all about him and how he was being affected—a very selfish mindset.
I was angry that I had been dragged into this. I didn’t ask for it, but just by being his mother, I was automatically in it. And, of course, he hurt others, too. But at this point, I’ve had plenty of time to process and release that anger—both him and me. If this had happened now, I wouldn’t have been as angry. I’ve grown so much since then that, honestly, ain’t nobody got time for that shit.
bargaining with the universe
Did I bargain? If I remember correctly, I probably did. I questioned the what-ifs and the maybes. I had conversations with God—asking Why? and maybe even offering, I’ll do this if You do that for me. But life doesn’t work that way.
I think it all had to happen exactly as it did. If it hadn’t, I might not have learned one of my biggest lessons—how to put on my oxygen mask first. People will try to manipulate you, make you question yourself, but now? I listen, and I don’t take it personally.
the weight of it all
Then there’s depression. I wouldn’t say I fell into a depressed state, but I do remember feeling completely drained. I was carrying so much emotionally that my body felt it. I got sick. I wasn’t motivated.
But I still made time to take care of myself. I’m a huge believer in self-care, so I made sure I prioritized myself. I also had incredible support from my women’s growth group. They listened, they showed up for me, and they prayed for me—many times. Honestly, they were a blessing. I truly believe they’re the reason I didn’t fall into a deep depression.
finally, acceptance
I don’t remember exactly how long it took to reach acceptance, but I’m grateful to be here now. I think he is, too. I’m good at reading people, and based on my observations and the words he uses now, I know he’s in a better place mentally.
Some people choose to stay stuck in the past, but I say—life happens, shit happens, and you have to deal with it and move forward. Life is about doing, not staying stuck in what was. I’d like to think I did a good job teaching him that. He’s had nothing but time this past year to absorb it.
But will he? That, we’ll have to wait and see—and I’m okay with that.